i don't want to make money, i just want to be wonderful.

I’m kinda tired of Coldplay (probably just too much radio play). Sad to say, seeing as I finally saw them live this year and I liked them then.

I thought my title was funny doe.

…I can’t seriously (though jokingly, of course!) say ‘though’ as ‘doe’ haha; it just sounds too.. dumb. Not a true gangster I guess? D’oh!

*RANDOM THOUGHTS MUCH*

I major cleaned my room today. Reading two books at the mo’. And got J back into reading, which makes me extremely happy, seeing him engrossed in his first novel in years!

My days are pretty enjoyable, surprisingly. I’m no longer stuck working for what feels aimless, but clearing my mind day by day, finally able to appreciate every little thing around and within me. It’s one of those feelings you don’t realize disappeared, but are so aware of how much you missed it when you suddenly have it back.

My nails are really fucking long. People pay for fakes this lengthy.

miau~*c.

Sometimes I want to watch asian pop music videos till my cheeks ache.

きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ - PONPONPON (by warnermusicjapan)

(Source: youtube.com)

There’s come a point in my life (now) when I ‘suddenly’ decide to give up alcoholism. Maybe not indefinitely, but for a stretch.

Compelled by the curiosity if:
a) I can muster up the will to deny myself in all (social/angry/happy/lonely) situations.
b) My body will react significantly- withdrawal symptoms/noticeably improved health.
c) I will feel closer to an obtaining an overall sense of self and well-being.

I’m using this blog as a documentation of my commitment, so it’s no longer just an idea that’s forever been swimming back and forth in my mind. I hope my curiosity is successfully satiated by the end of this ‘experiment’… though when the end of it may be, I do not know.

This is such a simple decision, but one I that feel will be much harder to achieve than I think. One thing I don’t look forward to, is that anti-social vibe people feel when you deny a bevvie. Smoking cigarettes, full-stop this time, goes hand-in-hand as well. Perhaps I should throw veganism into the mix too! Or at the very least, devote myself to eating 100% local… Gotta think about that one. (Really, Camia? What is there to think about.)

First baby step on the road to recovery and discovery… Begin.

Tonight I downloaded an app of the constellations, and lay down on the beach watching the stars. It got me thinking for ages.

How are we so small on this earth compared to everything that’s out there… how can we be so beautiful and yet self-destructive…

Was I created as a self-destructive specimen, to forever be in a constant back-and-forth battle of self? Am I meant to be happily satisfied with man-made wealth and fulfillment of bodily desires, or is it possible to find (and keep) wealth of a different kind; that which humans did not create, but seek to find. Am I even to seek it, or will ‘it’ find me? Is there destiny, or is my life determined, regardless of the choices I make?

…

Rereading the above, my questions sound so simple and basic… but even to write that small stream of sentences took me so long. My thoughts kept running away; webs of questions and ideas formed on their own too fast and incoherently to write!

~

I yearn to learn different languages, if only to see how different cultures define ‘destiny’ and ‘love’; and to discover if, when English has failed me, someone somewhere else has felt what I felt and been able to capture it.

~

This post is so scattered. Again, dear brain, we lost any semblance of a steady stream of thought, and have reached the wee hours of the morning. Time to recuperate. x

Tonight I downloaded an app of the constellations, and lay down on the beach watching the stars. It got me thinking for ages.

How are we so small on this earth compared to everything that’s out there… how can we be so beautiful and yet self-destructive…

Was I created as a self-destructive specimen, to forever be in a constant back-and-forth battle of self? Am I meant to be happily satisfied with man-made wealth and fulfillment of bodily desires, or is it possible to find (and keep) wealth of a different kind; that which humans did not create, but seek to find. Am I even to seek it, or will ‘it’ find me? Is there destiny, or is my life determined, regardless of the choices I make?

Rereading the above, my questions sound so simple and basic… but even to write that small stream of sentences took me so long. My thoughts kept running away; webs of questions and ideas formed on their own too fast and incoherently to write!

~

I yearn to learn different languages, if only to see how different cultures define ‘destiny’ and ‘love’; and to discover if, when English has failed me, someone somewhere else has felt what I felt and been able to capture it.

~

This post is so scattered. Again, dear brain, we lost any semblance of a steady stream of thought, and have reached the wee hours of the morning. Time to recuperate. x


So the no alcohol resolve was a short-lived success, long-term failure. Although I am now at a very low consumption level, due to being an idiot “mountain biking” and breaking my clavicle. Just out of commission for four to six weeks, no biggie.

Two weeks in.
Getting progressively more introspective.
As well as poor.
As well as semi lonesome.
Can write left-handed now, albeit slowly.
…There’s a couple leads on the lonesome front, but nothing really pulling my fishing line. (Or at least I’m trying to convince myself that, so lips: stay sealed.)

Leads.
Leeds.
England. I want to go.
Anywhere, really.
Really, really bad. A constant tug at my heartstrings and the ligaments//muscles//bones that ache to walk the streets of Prague, Barcelona, Paris, Milan, Venice, Rome, Jerusalem… I close my eyes and see cities that stretch far beyond the pictures I’ve seen- imaginary, surreal places pictures on a screen could never compare. Someday… someday. I will pass through the realm of imagination and set foot on the tarmac.

Crushin’ since her Sisterhood days.

Crushin’ since her Sisterhood days.


"Confidence not cockiness."

"Confidence not cockiness."


“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.” — Rosemarie Urquico



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